No Plastic Christmas Please

Ding dong all the way

Every year, Christmas, the Festive Season, the Holidays and the Nightmare Before... trundles around to rear it's be-tinsled, gawping head once again. It is regular, it is clockwork it is family law and order. I am certainly not one to put down or berate Christmas. If you are a hopeless humbug, then that's your problem and so it should remain. Please don't infict your doom and dissatisfaction with the season-to-be-jolly on the rest of us. God knows the happiest time of the year gives us enough to deal with as it is! We know it's a capitalist conspiracy, we know it was an ancient tradition stolen by Christians from the pagan peoples of Britain and we know that the nativity is a loose fit on actual historical events, but otherwise what would fill the You've Been Framed Christmas Special? We want to see Joseph catch fire on stage infront of his or her parents, don't we? Be careful what you wish for. I saw this happen in real life. It was hilarious! Once we'd got over the shock of a ten year old  going up in flames. (She was thankfully, completely unharmed I might add.)

So what's changed over all these years of Christmas tradition? Well precisely nothing, bar the subtle ways in which we like to keep up with the Joyeux Noels in our decorative tastes. A glittery reindeer here, another addition to the numerous sets of shit flashing lights from ubiquitous supermarket here, there and Jesus Christ they're everywhere!

For some years now I have wished for nothing more at this magical time of year, than for square eyes and a heart attack. At least for the instigators of those terrible afflictions. For me it really is about feast not fame. I want to eat my way through a months supply of biscuits and watch telly on a 24 rotational cycle. Perhaps just sleeping for the second half of every Bond film. I am told that it's selfish but I don't want to sit through the pomp and circumstance of dry turkey, mean piles of soggy vegetables, the traditional argument and in my household, the inevitable late night play back of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, in an attempt to smooth over the cracks. We tell the same jokes, at which we all laugh and recite the same old lines from the same old sketch shows, we tell the same old stories and throw the same shapes et cetera, ad nauseum, every year. Because we are polite, we love each other and it's the only way to get along at the homestead. I would imagine it's the same deal for many others, whatever your format is. We just do it.

I do wish that for once I would be let to nurse my Christmas Eve hangover in peace, harmony and good will to all men. I tried to do this for the first time two years ago. I failed. A member of my family arrived at my house and forcibly removed me.

I know it sounds mean but I would love to know how it feels to do Christmas my own way. I suppose we all would. That's something we all have in common. We all have a fantasy Christmas and we all struggle and probably fail to acheive it, once a year, every year.

I am not a humbug. I love Christmas. I love the time off, I love the cheap pre-prepped party treats, I love the surprise of a long lost friend returning home and the warmth of a Christmas card from a new acquaintance. But while I am single, let me to my vodka and chocolate. 

I have other fantasy Christmasses of course. Another fantasy snapshot of Christmas is arriving into the warm arms of a huge, smiling familiy, with a loved one, with whom I have travelled many miles, to greet fantasy familiy. They feed us potent but delicious alcohol and roasted fowl until we burst and then we dance like lunatics to a lively string section in some huge rambley, croft ( I know thats' a contradiction in terms but we're talking fantasy here.) Yes and part of me puts them all in kilts. Mmmm. Yes! There's not a gift in sight more than feast, friendship and festivities. No clinically, crafted consloes, no shrinkwrap, no branding, other than my Armani blazer (fanstasy), no Made in China, no "smellies", no BOGOFs, no knock offs, no credit imbalance, no pressure... just leisure.

Other fantasy Christmasses which occasionally feature in my minds eye are the open fireplace, log cabin and skiing (or snowboarding) getaway, the beach cocktail party and the magical mystery tour.

That's why I would like to do Christmas on my own this year. I want to try something new. Christmas is samey. My best Christmasses so far are those where I have intruded (by invitation) on other peoples'. Other peoples' Christmasses are always jollier, because for the guest it is all new and all shiney. I love variety, I love change and I crave new. I've got a thing for shiney too. I think it is sad when Christmasses all roll into one. It shouldn't be forgettable and disposible like the ever increasing crap consumers' crimbo model we seem to be falling in line with. But fantasies are just that; just fantsaies. They are not collective. They are kindled within one individual and let's face, it other peoples wishes and feelings just don't come into it. Please don't tell me that you want the same things as me ;) Let's all be honest and do the best we can to accommodate each other. Maybe our Christmasses are my parents fantasy. I doubt it. But they seem to enjoy it anyway.

So until the umissable opportunity for a fantasy Christmas compromise arises and for some of these listed here it certainly will one day, but until then I will, as always, show my love for my family, but long for my own company.