Prententious Jargon I Grin and Bear

Here follows a list of buzzy, blue chip words that are used in unpleasant ways to create spin and piss me off.

Underpin
Definition: Descriptive of something that is important, like really, really important, you need it, trust me you do. Buy my thing, I've put so much effort into making it sound important so that you will buy it, that I have now come to believe in the gumph I've just up-chucked at you and will be offended and will perceive it as a personal violation if you don't agree with me. Like me, like me!

Sounds like: Painfully underwired bra

Outcome
Definition: The outcome is the whole point. It's so important to outline the outcome because we have spent so much of our budget generating really big ideas, that our company has forgotten why it exists at all. We hope for the best possible outcomes. We don't know why they happen, but we'll take the credit if people like them anyway. We'll also pledge to evaluate them, until we come up with some new ones, before we've finished working out what the hell these ones are.

Sounds like: Bodily spew

Ping
Definition: Send. I'll bloody send you an email. It's just as quick and easy as it is to "ping!" Which is what my microwave says to me when it's dinnertime. I mean honestly, who can rightly feel like they are functioning on a professional adult level when half the office is prone to a spontaneous "ping!" half the time.

Sounds like: Microwaves and Ping Pong

It's got legs
Definition: Potential. A runaway idea.You will go far with this one young Luke. However if it's got more than two legs, it probably shouldn't be in the office.

Sounds like: Centipede

Customer focussed
Definition: Of course you are. If you do not have customers/consumers/clients/service-users then you are not a business. If you are not focussed on these elusive beings then you are a coconut and you deserve to go into receivership. So stop patronising me, stating the obvious and get on with doing a good job.

Opposite to: Call centres